Monster Syndrome
by MelloxChocolate
Summary: Izaya's possible POV after his last fight with Shizuo, when Izaya is suffering from a trauma. Implied Shizaya. Dark.


Izaya kind of disappears after Shizuo almost kills him, so I wanted to write about what his POV could possibly look like afterwards. It's kind of short and dark, I was just writing what came to my mind. It might be a little confusing at points, but I think if Izaya actually lets go, it could turn into a huge mess without much sense left. I got inspiration from a few songs I listened to while writing this. I kind of want to write a sequel to give them a happy ending...I wonder if there will be one?

Side note: I also really wanna write an Ymir x Historia fic...I wish I had the inspiration. Ah...I'm so sad that SnK ended again.

Enjoy! :)

* * *

Izaya was lying awake, like countless nights before. The weight of the silence filling the darkness around him, overwhelming him with depression; waiting for dawn, the promise of light. He felt like this at times, without knowing the reason.  
At least that's what he liked to pretend, giving in to the ignorance.

It wasn't mere loneliness, but something much deeper, and _heavier._

The information broker was afraid of falling asleep; terrified of what he might see once he closes his eyes. Frames and shades of memories long past. Reflections he should have forgotten; erased from his mind for his own comfort.  
At times, he was certain he'd succeed, but in other moments, images came flickering back.

Izaya always claimed he grew up in a normal environment, living in a normal family until his life took a strange turn, or rather, until he chose to make it head in an abnormal direction.

Maybe he simply disliked the idea of leading a normal life, of normality in general.

Izaya feared the boringness of it. Boringness which could potentially lead to his mind halting at a static point, with nothing to distract him from what was truly within him, or around him. Aware of the fact that regardless of what he did or how he acted, he'd never fit in. This species.

What's there to fear? Humans way too used to their own kind of normalcy and daily routine might wonder that. But this is a question not even the mighty information broker had an answer to, so he refused to think about it most of the time.  
However, he guessed that perhaps it is simply something people are born with, or something that gets triggered by an event at an early stage in childhood.

Let's call it the " _Monster Syndrome"_.

Shinra assumed before that perhaps Izaya was more fragile and sensible than everyone else, so much that he simply couldn't deal with human emotions, betrayal or any of the sort that happen in the world.

So much, that alone the _fear_ of it happening made him this way. In order to protect his heart from shattering, or more so, his whole existence from shattering; he chose to lock it all away and keep all potential threats at a safe distance.  
Unwillingly, like a form of self-defending reflex. This was an option.

Maybe Izaya was in fact _too weak_ for this world; to face the world with all of his senses and indulge in all of society's endeavors.

Was he lonely? Sometimes, certainly. But it was more of a matter of not missing what he never knew. And shunned.

To keep himself attached to humanity he chose toys to play with, claiming he loves them.  
He certainly loved some of them, _genuinely_ , even though in the end he still could do nothing but watch their misery. Most of the time the misery _he_ had inflected upon them, not always on purpose, even if it had become some kind of habit somewhere down the road; a form of entertainment.

This, kept him from committing to the feeling of complete solitude; albeit never enough to quench the whispers. Was this all life is offering?

Things changed.

Maybe you could say he lost interest in toying with the same creatures over and over, to be specific, the other monster in Ikebukuro.

Izaya moved away, far away. He tried his hardest at leaving everything behind, while feeling the aftereffects of the events that happened, every day. Not just his soul, but also his body had taken its toll.

At the beginning, his new start was going well. He did what he always had done. Collect new playthings to keep him busy, focus on business, keep his facade and daily routine up. Arranging his new lifestyle perfectly.

However, he started messing things up. So slowly, that at first it was hard to notice even for himself. Not everything went according to plan anymore. Minor errors that can easily be fixed.  
Until he started finding himself in situations he couldn't repair that easily anymore.  
He still had people around him, smiled at them to give them a sense of underlying superiority, but on the inside, something had changed. Something was crumbling, every day a little more.  
Until he found himself lying awake, wondering what part of himself is missing. Lost...and empty. Everything was slipping away.

But he knew. He knew, and he hated it more than anything.

It had been almost a year since...

Shizuo had broken him. Crushed him in a way that can't be mended. Izaya knew that if he actually tried, he could learn to walk properly again, maybe it was mere self-pity, but why walk, if he can't ever get away?

Izaya had always loved freedom. To move at will, to feel the freedom with every sensation. But now, he couldn't trust his own body anymore. This certainly was depressing, however, it was not the cause. The root.

He knew that he was trapped forever; in this body, in this spiral, in his own mind, this world, this pain. A cage made of human flesh.

Why was he in pain? _Why_ was he in infuriating torment, despite not being in physical pain?

Was this even pain? He didn't feel the need to cry, he didn't actually feel the aching, so could this even be considered as such; or a shadow that's following him, glooming over him and suffocating him. If so...was that shadow Shizuo's, or his own?

Izaya chuckled and ran his hands across his face. He didn't know. Just a trauma...

The information broker knew he had it coming. He knew it when he challenged Shizuo, he knew it every single time he made Shizuo yell at him, chase him, hurt him and love him.

He didn't care that Shizuo hated him, or did he? _Shit, he didn't know..._ well, let's assume he didn't mind it, just to progress his thoughts. Their hatred was mutual after all. It was, had always been, for years...

He couldn't live without him, couldn't breathe without him. They never had a lovey-dovey relationship going on, it mostly consisted of insulting and trying to kill each other. And yet, Izaya always had this sense of someone of his kind being somewhere in the dark. Somewhere in the back of his mind, another monster was there.

They fought to the death, so many times, spilled each other's blood, piercing each other's hearts with every cruel word they could think of, telling each other to die, and yet, Izaya had always known that Shizuo would never kill him, and he would never kill Shizuo. Never leave him, never being left. Never having to be completely alone, finding solace in the sole existence of the other.

 _"As long as I exist, you aren't alone"_ , Izaya kept repeating that in his heart, over and over, while running his fingers along one of the scars Shizuo had given him in the past.

Immediately rage overcame him, causing him to ball his fist and punch the nearby wall. What was he thinking? Again and again, endless circles of missing Shizuo, loving him, blaming him, blaming himself, forgiving him just to hate him again in the end...and to hate himself more than anything for this never ending unforgivable string of weaknesses. Exercising in futility. Realizing how alone he truly is.

Is this what you call _devotion_?

More than anything, he wanted Shizuo to find him again and break through his door right now, and just hold him. Tell him everything will be fine. Because, this way, _nothing_ would be fine; Izaya feared so in his weakest moments.

Izaya had often pondered why it had to be Shizuo. The probably best reason of all was that there was _no reason_. There was no tangible reason why Izaya loved specifically this monster; which is exactly why his love would never fade. If there's no reason in the first place, there won't ever be a reason for it to end. No changes that could ever occur to make him shift. It was much similar to a _curse_.

Bitterly, he knew he would always be waiting. And he also knew, that if Shizuo ever dared to come back, Izaya would reject him in the harshest way possible. Perhaps he would toy with him, leave him, break him, or simply ignore him and tell him how happy he is without him around; perhaps even kill him after all. Why, one would ask; because Shizuo can't ever be forgiven.

He chose to resent him with all he had, praying to an unknown god everyday that Shizuo is in the same misery. That he could relate, that he's going through the same; Izaya smiled at the thought of this. He wanted it to remain like that _forever_ , imagining the other's pain... _"I want you to suffer"_ , nagging words in his head that he felt with his entire body. _"I think you're better off dead"_ , shivers racing down his spine, this alone was enough to keep suffering himself; the pain felt _oh so good._

The raven-haired male got out of his spacious bed and up on weak legs to stumble toward the mirror, looking at his own eyes until the gaze went down along his slender body, tracing every bone with his hands. "Shizu-chan...", whispering, he flinched.

Izaya was well aware of his own extreme personality, knowing full-well that he does not deserve any form of kindness, that people would dance on his grave, that he was in fact not very lovable; and yet, Shizuo went _too far_.

Even in the world of monsters, _there are limits_ Izaya never thought possible.

Death is the only boundary they have, or so he thought. But perhaps, _death_ was indeed what had happened. The death of his soul, of his former existence, of the love he had toward himself and toward Shizuo; of all love in this world he had created himself.

Perhaps it was the flame of his life that had been extinguished.

Shizuo had killed him. _He knew._

Izaya's mental stability was a clever arrangement of love and hate, for himself and also for everyone and everything else; a perfect balance. Because in the end, those two emotions blend into one another to such an extent that makes them impossible to distinguish.

It didn't matter how Shizuo had hurt him, broken his body, _no_ , what truly mattered was the _one single_ unspoken and now broken promise; of never leaving him, that had finally brought his downfall. This betrayal could _not ever be forgiven_.

 _Why?_

To maintain the balance of the universe. For every deed, there must be punishment. Izaya was ready to take all retribution head on, and in return would not ever pardon the acts of others.

This sense of twisted righteousness was more overwhelming than all other sublime emotions. If Izaya was to forgive Shizuo, it would be the finishing blow. He would abandon whatever was left of himself and his spirit.  
It wasn't something petty such as pride, it was a matter of life and death. Because this strength, knowing that he still had something to hold on to, a part of vigor remaining inside of him, was what he needed to keep breathing. Defining a way to stay alive, even if it means living a lie.

The information broker knew that Shizuo will never find out, that he will never return to him, doesn't look at him anymore, doesn't think about him anymore; he simply...had _moved on._ He will never see him again. That's the way it was. Was it really, he wondered...  
 _"He never loved me"_ , despite the sickening obsession he felt himself. After all the time running in circles, doubts were eating him up. He couldn't tell anymore what the truth was, completely losing grip of reality.

Even worse than not trusting his body anymore was that he couldn't trust his mind anymore; the one thing he always relied on, which had brought him this far. He knew he was going crazy. Literally.

Was this the kind of broken heart that ultimately leads to death? He sank to the floor and curled into a ball, hugging his knees for the imitation of proximity. He felt as though everyone he ever knew had abandoned him; including himself.  
" _Those that have become useless should just die..._ "

Perhaps, if he managed to wake up the fairy's sleeping head, if he was able to mutter a pure wish to the god of death, maybe he would dare to hope for a better ending in his next lifetime. Because after all, the fate of monsters can never be broken, can it? Calming...

He would never be able to let this go, never move on. Maybe after he had lived a thousand lives, he'd be able to become happy. Satisfying his greedy heart and finding peace of mind. Solace.

Izaya smiled, _"what happens after you've died once?"_ , as he closed his eyes and allowed the darkness to embrace him.


End file.
